I’ve been seeing the psychologist at my doctor’s office for a few months now. I’m not sure if it’s helping yet - a large majority of our sessions were used for testing.

But I went yesterday and we had a long talk about how Christmas stressed me out this year because I’m on a quest to make up for the 5 months I shouldn’t have missed last year. I’m also still extremely bitter about the fact that this happened to me in the first place. I can’t get out of the “why me” mindset. I just can’t. And I can’t move on from this. It eats at me day and night.

The therapist said it’s post-traumatic stress disorder. It almost makes me feel better that professional said it this time instead of just me diagnosing myself with mental health problems. I used to be so normal and now look at me. PTSD? Anxiety? Depression? Where did Christine go…

I feel like I lost myself. I feel like I don’t know who I am and, although I remember who I used to be, I can’t get myself to be her anymore.

People told me I’d “grow” from this. I haven’t grown. I’ve changed. And I don’t think it’s for the better.

My therapist and I also had a long conversation about Disney movies and how they were one of the only things that would make me feel better during treatment. She said they represent a time when things were simpler. And they do. I miss being 5 years old and seriously believing I was Pocahontas. I miss being 5 years old and believing that mermaids existed. I miss being 5 years old and not knowing the meaning of the word cancer.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be 5 again…

Maybe it would be wonderful to be 21 if I hadn’t gone through this. Even though it was only 5 months of hell, I feel like years of my life were stolen from me. I don’t know what I can do to do to get them back.

I do know that certain things make me happy and I cling to them for dear life. My cousins, my best friends, Disney movies, Harry Potter, my favorite songs, and shopping.

I also know that I’m getting very tired and I’m breaking down. I stayed too strong for too long and I can’t do it anymore. I stayed strong in a time when things were out of my control; my strength was the one thing I could control. But now that it’s over, I’m falling fast. I feel like I’m drowning. My therapist recommending breathing into a paper bag. When I think of people breathing into paper bags, I think of crazy people lying on couches with a psychiatrist jotting notes on a pad of paper. I’m not crazy. I’m just sad, stressed, and alone.

All I want to do is get out of here. I want to get out of my head. I want to stop seeing doctors, stop going to school, and stop worrying about everything. I want to live in a forest like Pocahontas, be best friends with a raccoon, and paint with all the colors of the wind. I want to get on a plane, get dropped off in Hawaii, live in a hut on the beach, and never come home. I want to get rich for no reason and then give everything I have to people who are worse off than I am. I want to be able to run across the friggin’ country like Forrest Gump - except I won’t grow a beard on the way. I want to be a model, I want to fall in love, I want to go sky diving.

I don’t know what happened to my life. I used to believe I could do or be anything and now I feel grounded by my own mortality. I feel fragile and vulnerable and I don’t like it.

I need to figure out a way to fix myself because I miss being me.

Okay so if anyone follows my other blog, you know that I’ve been panicking for a good week and a half because I managed to convince myself (YET AGAIN) that I’m slowly dying of some hidden cancer and whatnot. I’ve been stressed out beyond belief because of school (which, THANK GOD ended today) and my paranoia definitely didn’t help that situation. I was 99% convinced that the tumor in my chest was back because I felt a “heaviness” in my chest. It was the same kind of feeling I felt before I was diagnosed. So of course I was panicking. Wouldn’t you?

So today, after meeting with the psychologist (I’ll get to that in a sec…), I asked to see one of my doctors even though I had just had my monthly checkup like two weeks ago. He asked what the problem was and I told him I was panicking and blah blah blah. He basically told me that the kind of tumor I had is SO beyond unlikely to come back and I need to stop worrying because I just had an x-ray last month. He said it’s a possibility that I have a small blood clot in my chest (I’ve had them before) and, if that’s the case, it’s really nothing to worry about. So I have to get that looked at. But I’m glad he’s confident it’s not cancer again. He also checked out my once-numb-but-isn’t-really-anymore armpit and said that the “weird” feeling I’m feeling is probably nerve regeneration and he wants to send me to a neurologist because they would be able to pinpoint what nerve(s) is causing me problems.

So basically, I’m fine, just extremely anxious and paranoid.

Now, about the psychologist. I had taken a load of psych tests in October and November to figure out why my memory sucks now. The psychologist told me that I’m “average” in pretty much everything (but what else is new…) and that the only problem she saw is in my attention, and not so much my memory. So I have an extremely hard time attending to anything visual - meaning I can’t attend to my notes when I’m studying which is why I’m having issues with tests and whatnot. School is over for me until January, but before then she’s going to work with me and teach me how to study the way that will be helpful for me. And then once school starts, if that method doesn’t work, she said I might want to consider seeing a psychiatrist to get a prescription for Adderall or Ritalin. Personally, I don’t really like pills. But, in this case, if it will help my schoolwork… it’s worth a shot? I’m not too sold on the idea yet but we’ll see. Also, from the personality tests she gave me, she said I show signs of depression. This honestly doesn’t surprise me one bit. But it’s something I’m working on. It’s just so hard to not still be in the “why me” mindset. Umm, she also said I have extreme anxiety but I could have told you that. In fact, I have. Many times.

So that was that.

Oh wait, also… While i was seeing the doctor. All of a sudden they tell me they need to take blood. And I freaked out. First of all, since I stopped chemo, my veins are practically impossible to find. I had small veins to begin with but now they’re like.. nonexistent. Last time I had my blood taken (only 2 weeks ago), the nurse hit two nerves (one in each of my hands) which hurt SO bad I can’t even explain. She hit one of my nerves in my right hand so bad that it STILL hurts when I touch it. So the same nurse came in and I freaked. She tried finding a vein in my arm and it didn’t work. She hit a nerve, again, and called someone else to do it since she felt bad. The other nurse came in and by now I was crying hysterically. I’ve NEVER cried this hard at the doctor’s office in my life. Not even when they told me about my chemo plan last year. I was sobbing. And then my sobbing turned into hyperventilating. I couldn’t keep my arm still. I was stuck two more times before the nurse finally found a vein. She had to use this vein between my wrist and my elbow. It was so uncomfortable and I couldn’t stop crying and I don’t know what was wrong with me. I’m just so unbelievably sick of this shit. I honestly feel like I’m the only one going through this and it blows because it shouldn’t be me. It seriously shouldn’t. It shouldn’t be anyone else either.

But really, no wonder I have anxiety and “signs of depression.” Cancer is eating me alive even when it’s not physically in my body.

As many of you know, my PICC line insertion was anything but pleasant. It left me without feeling in my left armpit (and a few other places around that area). Sooo recently, I’ve been feeling this uncomfortable-ness in my armpit, and I’m thinking that maybe my nerves are coming back. I don’t know if “regeneration” is the right word but…

I dunno, does anyone know what nerve regeneration feels like? Or what it is I’m feeling? Don’t ask why I didn’t ask the doctor when I went on Wednesday. I always forget to ask him important things…

I told myself I wasn’t going to write a sappy “what I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving” post this year but I decided that a little sappiness never hurt anyone. I promise not to go on for too long :)

This is probably redundant, but when you’re faced with a life-threatening illness your perspective about a lot of things changes. Last Thanksgiving, I was too sick to leave my house. And even though my parents brought me home Thanksgiving dinner from my aunt’s house, I was too sick to taste it. I never once gave being able to leave the house a single thought. If I wanted to get my nails done, I got up and went. If I wanted to meet friends somewhere, I could go. If I wanted to go shopping, the mall was just a car ride away. But when I was sick, everything changed. I began to realize that no matter how much I wanted to leave the house, I physically couldn’t. This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful that I can wake up in the morning and feel no pain. I’m thankful that I have the ability to leave my house whenever I want. I’m thankful that I don’t have to worry about low blood counts or being eaten alive by cancer. I’m asking everyone to take 5 minutes out of every day to think about how amazing it is to wake up in the morning. Whenever you leave the house, be thankful that you can. Be thankful that you’re not sick, and be thankful for every day you’re alive to see.

I’m thankful for other, more obvious, things, too. My parents and brother, who have never let me fall and never will, my cousins, who have never stopped treating me like the goofball I am, and my friends, who never left me to handle things on my own… I’m thankful for you all. I’m thankful for the wonderful people I’ve met through tumblr – through both my blogs – who offered their love and support to a perfect stranger. I’m thankful for anyone who has followed my journey whether they made it known to me or not. I’m also extremely thankful for the people I went to high school with – especially the ones I never spoke to – who sent me awesome messages to make me feel better. And even if you never sent me a message because you thought it was too weird, but you sent positive thoughts/prayers, I’m thankful for you too.

I’m just… jeez. I’m just so grateful for everything I have. I feel humbled for the things I’m blessed with and even though my life hit an extreme roadblock, I’ve never been happier with myself. I know my own strength, I know how far I can be pushed, and I know that I can, quite literally, overcome anything.

Please be thankful for everything you have, not only on Thanksgiving, but every day. Don’t take anything for granted.

I love you all more than words can say. Happy Thanksgiving!

I can’t shake the chemo brain. I’m not learning anything in any of my classes and I’m failing so many of my exams it’s ridiculous. I was an A student. I had a 3.6GPA. I feel like a ghost of myself because I can’t do half the things I used to be able to. I suck at dance - not that I was ever amazing - and I couldn’t remember something if someone paid me.

I don’t remember if I mentioned this (oh look, I don’t remember. Big shock there.) but I’ve been seeing a psychologist and she’s been doing some “testing” mostly to see how my memory is and whatnot. No, I don’t have mental problems, but the testing will help me figure out how to handle school I guess. I don’t know. I don’t remember what the point of it is. Anyway, she gave me various memory tests and I sucked at them all. In a simple string of 7 numbers (a phone number), I could only remember the first number. I was able to remember 2 numbers if I was lucky.

Anyway… everything goes in one ear and out the other. I literally cannot focus on anything and it blows. And yes, I do think it’s from the cancer/chemo. I was never like this before. I hate it.

It’s 1:49AM and I just realized I never updated anyone on how my x-ray went/results but as the saying goes “no news is good news” and my x-ray was just fine. I’m not dying and since I found that out, I’ve been a lot calmer than I was.

That’s not to say that my anxiety has -poof- gone out the window completely, but ya know. It relieved some of it.

That’s really all I came here to say. I hope you’re all having a wonderful night! And don’t forget to turn your clocks back an hour! :)

  superskinner replied to your post: On the topic of cancer fakers on tumblr:

I totally agree. I have arthritis, and I hate when people think they know what pain & suffering is. I’m here if you need me. I don’t know exactly what you are going through, but I have a pretty good idea. Good luck with everything!

thank you so much <3

catsnotcancer replied to your post: Day #391

I’m thinking about you, honey. But no matter what happens you CAN and WILL fight on. I know this crap sucks. But your life is too precious to not fight for it. I love you. - Nikki

thanks nikki <3 i love you too!

I don’t want to address this issue any more than it has already been addressed on my personal tumblr (hurricane-christine.tumblr.com), but I felt I needed to briefly address it here.

It absolutely disgusts me that people feel the need to pretend they have a life threatening illness to seek attention. It also disgusts me that people waste their time praying/worrying about these liars.

I’ve always hated liars, but this “type” of lying just takes everything to a new level.

The most recent cancer faker not only had cancer, she also had AIDS, was HIV positive, had multiple pregnancies/abortions, was abused, had a hearing impairment (which might have been true, but really, who the hell cares at this point), etc, etc, etc.

I will never understand why people pretend to be sick. Who the hell wants to be sick? If you’re that desperate for attention, you need serious professional help.

Oh, and what else disgusts me is that these fakers had so many freakin’ followers on here, while I’m sitting here with 315. I didn’t start this blog to gain attention or followers - I did it to spread awareness and to share my story/thoughts with everyone. Frankly, I was getting bored of repeating how I was feeling to people who asked, so I started this blog so no one had to ask me anymore. They could just read the blog.

BUT NOW, now that these fakers are running rampant on tumblr, I feel like my blog has no meaning anymore. I feel like after this, no one will believe anything they read, which is unfortunate for the people who have real stories to share.

If these fakers were so desperate for attention, I would nave gladly given them my cancer for real. God knows I didn’t want to deal with it. They like to write about how they “have to be strong!!!” and “have to survive!!!” You morons don’t know anything about strength or survival.

This post made no sense. It was all over the place and wasn’t very well written but I don’t care. I’m too pissed off to concentrate on what I’m writing.

So, in conclusion, if anyone starts doubting the validity of my story because of these fakers, I will be so livid. Thank God I have medical records, scars, pictures, anything you need to prove that I’m not lying about this shit.

Cancer isn’t something to lie about. It’s not something to joke about. It’s not something to wish you had just so you could get a little bit of attention from strangers on the internet.

The end.

I have to have an x-ray sometime this or next week. It’s giving me such anxiety I can’t even function. I’m so worried that something’s going to be wrong. I just have this feeling that I’m going to get bad news. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I’m always anxious. I’m always stressed. I’m always worried. I can’t figure out how to make it stop. Literally nothing helps.

In the event that something does happen with this next x-ray, aka they find that the scar tissue in my chest has changed in size/shape, I have to have a CAT scan and then a PET scan if they suspect that the cancer is back.

And, if the cancer is back, I’ll refuse treatment. I can’t do it again. I physically and mentally cannot do it. I’d honestly rather be dead than have to go through that again. It’s not worth it, especially when you think you’re going to get your old life back after treatment… and it turns out you don’t and never will.

I’m also having fears that I won’t be able to have kids. This is a pretty recent fear that I know can be resolved just by asking my doctor, but I’m terrified of what the answer might be. In the beginning of my treatment, he had said it shouldn’t affect my ability to have kids in the future or whatever but…

“Shouldn’t.”

It’s not uncommon that cancer patients/survivors have difficulty having kids…

Sometimes doctors freeze eggs before the patient starts treatment to protect them. Someone actually sent me a message on here asking if I had that done… and I hadn’t.

But since my doctors never mentioned it, I’m assuming it wasn’t an issue.

But I don’t know. Everything worries me. It’s not fair that I have these stupid fears/worries.

WHY ME.

I think it was a year ago today that I chopped all my hair off. What a bad memory. That seems to be what my life is full of: bad memories. I don’t go a day without remembering something terrible about last year. It’s a huge distraction. I wish I could just completely erase them from my mind completely but…

I’m finding it hard to talk about what happened with anyone who doesn’t know. I emailed one of my professors to tell her my “story” in order to get accommodations in her class. But as I sat down to write the email… I just couldn’t do it. For some reason, it took so much out of me to just write, “I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma last fall and completed 4 months of chemotherapy.”

I still don’t know why this happened to me. I feel like I missed out on so much of my life. I feel robbed of those months I can never get back. I still don’t feel normal. I don’t look like the person I’m used to seeing in the mirror (hair issues, yet again). It feels like more than a year of my life was stolen from me.

I’m terrified that one day I’ll have to do this all over again. I honestly don’t think I could handle it. I’d probably fall apart.